WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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