With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
