You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
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He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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