and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
