now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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