I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
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You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.