I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
