haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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