Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
