He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
