the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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