Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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