I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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