It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
