I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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