you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
