my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
