and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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