You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
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If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
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I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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