I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She told me I should be a condom model.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
