my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
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He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
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do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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