Yo dont text me then not text me
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
