Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
