He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
