I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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