my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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