dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
