Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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