I think im going to throw up on grandma
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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