heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
