I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
