you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
