We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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