I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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