Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
