What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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