I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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