Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
