Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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