And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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