I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
