Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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