We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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