Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
