4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
