i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My ass is underappreciated
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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