when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
