its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
