I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
