Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
