I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
