She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He felt like a one man threesome
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
