i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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