chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
