I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
